G-d, damn it to hell.
I believe my life will continue to suck and I will continue to be unhappy until I have more control of it. I'll probably get to a point where I can finally deal with myself and be happy on a consistent basis.......just to find out soon afterwards that Christina wants to leave me cuz i'm a failure in her eyes. I hate my life and I hate this horribly corrupt world I live in. God, why am I here? Why must I be punished in this way? Why can't you help me and just take it all away? My own parents don't know a thing about me past a few things I like and maybe my favorite color. They don't actually KNOW me. They don't know my attitude, how I work, how I think, what goes on inside me... but they think they do. They think they know everything, but they know next to nothing. I am frustrated beyond belief and I just want out. If I didn't care so much about you, and I didn't care so much about Christina and a couple other people, I'd probably kill myself. Everyone keeps saying "maybe we should go to a psychiatrist, maybe you need to get back on your medication, maybe you're depressed and need medication." Problems are not solved by drugs, they are just covered. I am a horrible, horrible, horrible piece of human and do not deserve your love, grace, or help... but I need all of it. I cannot exist much longer like this without giving up. I have a suspicious feeling that after I have given up in my soul...my body will follow soon after. In other news: I feel like I may be getting back in touch with my punkish side... I feel the urge to wear dark things with spikes on them. I wanna get back to the spike bracelet/pimp watch on my left arm...I'm liking the ring thing too, its workin on me. This summer, hopefully I still have this I wanna dress punkish attitude, and can get a buncha money towards black and red t-shirts, dark jeans, and many many decorative spikes. My hair shall just stay curly, hopefully it will actually get curly soon, instead of just poofy. I think its because of leftover damaged hair from the bleachness. Anyways...
- posted by Joebo @ 1:10:00 AM