I'm writing cuz christina was complaining about me not writing...so ya...

Robert's a krod.

Troy is fat.

Valley Christian is host to ugly people, like Sherilyn.

Kaereanne is a pot-head.

Nick needs to gain weight in order to look anorexic.

Brett can't keep a girl.

Wesley looks a female from afar.

My brother looked very feminine at a younger age.

Christina is the most beautiful person i have ever met or otherwise seen in my entire life.

My dad looks funny with his hair combed back(which is always).

Garrett has anger problems.

Krista is moooooody.

Sherilyn is a horny bastard.

You're a fascist pig!

I hate movies, tv, music....just about everything of that sort lately, but I'm also happy it's like this. Every channel I go through, each song I hear goes straight to my heart lately, especially love ones and crap. Even tho nobody's cheated on me.....I know how crappy i would feel and how fast my life would be ripped apart if it happened to me, so everytime i friggen turn on the TV and see some stupid evil unfaithful people, I freak out. I, over and over, go through all the thoughts and feelings surrounding it, and I have NO control over it. Every love song, every kissing scene, every suggestive smile on camera makes me--MAKES ME--think about christina, they make me apply them to my own relationship, they make me remember stuff, most of all they make me miss Christina like crazy. I can't get our relationship out of my head. I can't stop wishing I with her more....I can't stop wishing we could be out of highschool and out of our houses so we could govern when, where, how much, and what we do together. I was just watching this stupid movie, how to lose a guy in 10 days, or some crap like that. Every weird lil thing that happened made me think of christina. Their horrible unprofessional kisses made me think of how much better of kisses we share. All their problems n issues reminded me of how completely awesome our relationship is, and how little of problems we have, and how perfectly we work them out when we do (like i forgot or something...ha). I unno....I feel psycho and crap when this happens sometimes because I can't control it. I hate how much it makes me miss Christina. I do seem to have a better understanding for stuff tho. Like songs n movies n such. I can understand the emotion that's supposed to be shown. I "get it" all now. But I do like thinking about Christina and stuff, so it's not like AHHH I HATE THIS, WHY DO I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT HER or something like that. it's juss weird. OK, enough about that.

I got married. haha. At the renassaince (or however you spell it) fair, me and Christina went to the lil 2$ get married booth thingy. It was all weak and cheap. Super-ultra cheap ring, annoyed chick reading the "vows" with no accentuation or anything in her voice. Stupid gay vows. took a whole 10 seconds.....But it was still somehow special to me. I know it means nothing in reality: its not legally binding, still can't have sex, i don't get cheaper car insurance, if we had kids they would be born bastards, her ring isn't worth crazy money and I can't chloroform her, take the ring off while she's unconscious, pawn it off, and get a cubit zirconium replacement. None of that cool stuff. But I somehow feel closer. It's awesome....we keep putting our fingers (ring fingers you dipweed) next to eachothers and smiling at eachother. Iono...it seems like yet another reminder of how close we are to eachother. OH, that reminds me. Christina's mom and both of her brothers have talked about us bein married in some way. Last night Christina's mom said "...So when you actually do get married...". Jon said "Spousal abuse" and Christina replied "we're not married" and he said "might as well be" or "close enough" or something, i don't remember. And Vince said something like "you guys aren't married yet" or that it seems like we're married or somethin like that. I unno, i juss think that's weird. Oh that reminds me, my dad said "when you guys get married" once or twice too...Is everyone else actually noticing that we're as close as we are, or is this just a freak coincidence? I unno...All I know is that it's kinda weird.

End...

Crap sucks. Yes, I know I complain all the time, but I don't care. It's my frickin journal I can complain about crap all I want. I'm supposed to write about my feelings n stuff, not what you wanna read. If you don't care what I'm complaining about and don't really give a hoot about my feelings, then don't come back.

Back to what I was saying, crap sucks. Right now is the time I've definately most needed Christina...and her mom just decides that this is the time that I don't get to talk to her, phone, online, period. This is the time that I've had the most trouble freaking out about crap that COULD be happening....like maybe christina COULD BE losing interest in me. MAYBE the juss about NO TIME we have to talk to eachother or see eachother is killing our relationship. MAYBE Christina COULD BE cheating on me.....I know none of it's true, but I worry like crazy for no reason and...I need her there to reassure me and tell me that She loves me more than anything else, that she could NEVER cheat on me, that she feels closer to me than ever before. I know that's how it is....I just need to hear it. SooooOoOOo Somehow, this is the magical time that Christina's mom finally goes down on her for her grades...Just perfect timing isn't it? You know, most of this whole relationship I've felt like God HAS TO have been making it happen cuz the timing was all just waaayyy too perfect for it to be anything else. But now it feels quite opposite. Maybe I'm being punished for something. Maybe it's a fun lil test. I have no idea, all I know is that it sucks more than anything else I've ever experienced. Yes, worse than not eating for three days after I got my stupid tongue thingy cut off and hardly eating for another week after that. YEAH, WORSE than the crazy crazy fever I had one time when I had trouble staying conscious......Yeah, worse than the three straight days of barfing because of food poisoning from Imitation crab meat. Worse than My concussion and every single one of the migraines I've ever suffered. Worse than ANYTHING I have ever experienced. You know what I'm hoping? I'm really really hoping this is a test of my faith by God. I hope it's like Job where He's trying to take the very things I live for away from me to see if I fall away from him or not. You know why? Cuz I'm gonna soOoOOoO act faithfully. I'm fricken praying like crazy....i'm trying to get closer to God than ever before. GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BE WHAT IT IS!!!! And if it is......let this horriffic test be over as soon as possible. Please, I'm begging, PLEASE somehow transform me into a better person through this. Please make everything better than it was before. Please let this bring Christina and me closer than we ever have before. PLEASE!
- posted by Joebo @ 10:53:47 PM

What is your name?: Joseph
Are you named after anyone?: My great-grandfather
What's your screename?: spiffykibba, PLUS i have a secret one too
Would you name a child of yours after you?: Prolly not
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?: not sure
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?: I like my name.
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly: everyone seems to think my name is josh or joel or some crap.
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: I don't think so.

Basics
Your gender: male
Straight/Gay/Bi: straight
Single?: Nope.
If not, do you want to be?: NOOOOO WAY. I love my girlfriend.
Birthdate: Halloween 88
Your age: I think you can figure that out yourself with the knowledge you just recently required.
Age you act: I don't know, it differs.
Age you wish you were: I'm juss gonna live my life out, k?
Your height: 5'6" or some crap.
Eye color: Awesome green
Happy with it?: Heck ya.
Hair color: Brown stuffs.
Happy with it?: I guess.
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous: righty mostly but ambi at some stuff.
Your living arrangement: Mom's in San Jose, Dad's in Morgan Hill
Your family: Mom, Dad, Bro, And way too many others to say.
Have any pets?: A loser cat.
Whats your job?: do crap at home for money.
Piercings?: None. I'd like it to stay that way.
Tattoos?: same as above.
Obsessions?: Christina....procrastinating....
Addictions?: Christina...procrastinating.....
Do you speak another language?: nope
Do you have a webpage?: The one ur lookin at
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it?: WHAT kind of stupid incomplete question is that?
Do you live in the moment?: Sometimes.
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: For the most part.
Do you have any secrets?: Yeah.
Do you hate yourself?: Only sometimes
Do you like your handwriting?: yeah I think it has character. That and I don't care enough to change it.
Do you have any bad habits?: probably.
What is the compliment you get from most people?: Eyes. Then being funny. Now i get tons of compliments from one person but you said most people....
What's your biggest fear?: Losing the love of my life.
Can you sing?: I seriously don't know.
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: No.
Are you a loner?: yeah pretty much. MUCH more than normal lately, but I'm used to it.
What are your #1 priorities in life?: That's another stupid question. "#1 priorities" should be priority. Christina is my #1 priority.
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: No, cuz I'd have too much in common with myself.
Are you a daredevil?: Not really.
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: Not fear, and only sometimes for the hate stuff.
Are you passive or agressive?: I don't care.
Do you have a journal?: The one you're readin
What is your greatest strength and weakness?: Being Emotional. For both.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: I'm not sure.
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: Not a chance.
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: Not really cuz my mistakes and crap have brought me to where I am today.
Do you think life has been good so far?: Both horrible and great.
What is the most important lesson you've learnd from life?: I don't know, I'm a bit confused lately, so ask me sometimes later
What do you like the most about your body?: I like my stomach and my basic facial structure (don't like the face cuz it's all pimply). Oh my arms don't look horrible either.
And least?: My chest is ugly, I have tiny feet and ankles, i already told you about the pimples, my legs just suck.
Do you think you are good looking?: i go back and forth
Are you confident?: depends on what we're talking about.
Are you perceived wrongly?: Way too often

Do You...
Smoke?: Nope
Do drugs?: No sirree.
Read the newspaper?: occasionally
Pray?: Yes
Go to church?: not lately.
Talk to strangers who IM you?: usually
Sleep with stuffed animals?: Started to a lil while ago.
Take walks in the rain?: yeah sometimes.
Talk to people even though you hate them?: I don't really hate people.
Drive?: Yep.
Like to drive fast?: Meh.

Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?: I used to when I said certain phrases.
Hurt yourself?: Physically on accident, A LOT MORE emotionally.
Been out of the country?: England and France.
Eaten something that made other people sick?: not that I remember
Been in love?: I kinda am right now.
Done drugs?: Legal Ones!
Gone skinny dipping?: I might have but I don't remember.
Had a medical emergency?: Dont think so.
Had surgery?: yeah. on my feet when i was JUST born. A while ago I got part of my tongue cut off cuz it was keeping me from stickin it out very far.
Ran away from home?: nah.
Played strip poker?: nope.
Gotten beaten up?: Uh..I think I've hurt myself more than anyone else has. i.e. falling down stairs or stepping on a chainsaw.
Beaten someone up?: nah
Been picked on?: Mostly by my brother
Been on stage?: talent show woot woot!
Slept outdoors?: Yeah, it's called camping numbskull.
Thought about suicide?: yeah but i never was serious.
Pulled an all nighter?: Prolly
If yes, what is your record?: That's just stupid.
Gone one day without food?: Yep. a few times prolly.
Talked on the phone all night?: yeah....that was nice....
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: Prolly like a cousin or something.
Slept all day?: nope.
Killed someone?: Nope.
Made out with a stranger?: noooooope.
Had sex with a stranger?: no
Thought you're going crazy?: prolly
Kissed the same sex?: Like my dad or some crap like that....
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: nope....
Been betrayed?: Yepp
Had a dream that came true?: Uhh I don't keep track.
Broken the law?: Yep.
Met a famous person?: Yeah at a couple golf tournaments. Ken Griffey Jr. gave me his ball. Haha, i lost it.....
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: uhhh...not that I'm aware of.
On purpose?: well I killed a spider that was in my sheets a few nights ago.
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: Yeah cuz I forgot.
Stolen anything?: Accidently
Been on radio/tv?: I don't believe so
Been in a mosh-pit?: nah.
Had a nervous breakdown?: yeah....
Bungee jumped?: nopers.
Had a dream that kept coming back?: yea trippy ones like bein chased by giants and crap

Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?: microscopic crap maybe...
Miracles?: definately
Astrology?: Nope
Magic?: depends what you mean.
God?: Definately.
Santa?: Nope.
Ghosts?: Demons, not ghosts.
Luck?: not really
Love at first sight?: nope. Anyone that knows what love is know it's not possible.
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: no
Witches?: Yes, but they're juss linked to demons and the devil.
Easter bunny?: nopers.
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: Yeah I can be a poster child for faithfullness to your g/f slash wife stuffs.
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: no.
Do you wish on stars?: No.

Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: yeppers Do you think God has a gender?: yep. Do you believe in organized religion?: Go church!

Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: I believe I do....someone... Who is your best friend?: Christina is my best friend right now. She's the only one I can tell anything. She's the only person who I can truly trust. She's the only person I truly love.
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: Prolly my mom.
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: "Dude, let me download some music"----(My cousin Jason, who downloaded some NFG, MxPx, and Flogging Molly which got me into punk.) Iono if that counts but whatever.
Your favourite inside joke?: I don't remember you hippy.
Thing you're picked on most about?: Lately it's been shaving my arms and legs.
Who's your longest known friend?: Troy and Garrett Dunham, both for around 12 years.
Newest?: I don't count people as my friends till I actually know em enough so, Nobody. I haven't made one friend since 8th grade. I've made a buncha cool acquaintances tho.
Shyest?: I don't care.
Funniest?: I find just about anyone that I like to be around funny.
Sweetest?: Christina
Closest?: You already asked this question.
Weirdest?: Iono prolly Charles, but he's not all that weird.
Smartest?: Depends if you're talking booksmart or Streetsmart or what.
Ditziest?: Prolly Molly.
Friends you miss being close to the most?: Tons o ppls...like everyone i was ever close to in band....then Nick, John, Charles, Lauren, Hannah, Brenna, like everyone at the bench was coo...Tons o ppls, otay?
Last person you talked to online?: you choose....Allan or Christina.
Who do you talk to most online?: Prolly allan cuz he's always on.
Who are you on the phone with most?: Lately, my mom cuz I ask her if I can do crap a lot and I've been having a lot of 10 minute conversations with christina lately. Normally it's Christina tho.
Who listens to your problems?: christina, God.....my face usually soaks up all the tears tho.
Who do you fight most with?: I kinda am in a lil no-fighting zone lately, it's cool. well, if you don't count my mom.
Who's the nicest?: Stupid ditsy people at my school that can't even joke around. I kid around about maybe their clothes or something and they're always like "That's mean Joe"
Who's the most outgoing?: I don't have many outgoing friends.
Who's the best singer?: Well, i'm kinda biased on this one, but christina.....prolly cuz I love her voice.
Who's on your shit-list?: Nobody.
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: Sicko.
Who's your second family?: I don't have one.
Do you always feel understood?: sometimes.
Do you trust others easily?: eh.
Who's house were you last at?: Mine.
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in: Christina's
Do your friends know you?: Not many
Friend that lives farthest away: my Cousin Jason, out in Tennessee

Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?: Nopers.
What do you find romantic?: A WHOLE LOTTA CRAP.
Turn-on?: Christina, just about any time we're alone. She just oozes out sexyness...she doesn't even try.
Turn-off?: Anyone else. First kiss?: Many many months ago. I kissed christina and it was all stupid and fast and gay. But it's still good memory and we laugh at it now. If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?: I would tell them to leave me alone and to juss get over me, cuz I'm with the girl I wanna spend the rest of my life with and I'm not gonna be unfaithful to her EVER.
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going: This question does not apply to me anymore...haha...
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out: They do it all the time ya stupid sissy la la.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: umm...kinda...
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: Certain ppls do.
What is best about the opposite sex?: stupid sexist question
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: stupid sexist question
What's the last present someone gave you?: Christina's always friggen giving me letters and stuff.....it's awesome.
Are you in love?: YEAH, HOW LONG HAvE YOU BEEN LIVING INSIDE THAT WHOLE you stupid hoser?
Do you consider your significant other hot?: Yes'm

Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?: umm.....nobody...
You wanted to kill?: Nobody....
That you laughed at?: My dad.
That laughed at you?: I think Kevin
That turned you on?: Dude these questions are boring when you're so fricken devoted to one person as I am....when nobody BUT THEM turns you on....
You went shopping with?: My mom or Christina.
That broke your heart?: Myself.
To disappoint you?: Myself.
To make you cry?: myself.
To brighten up your day?: God, and it was night.
That you thought about?: Christina. and Sarah you make me sick stop answering with crap like "a special person". lol....
You saw a movie with?: I watched part of a movie with my mom.
You talked to on the phone?: didn't you ask this already?
You talked to through IM/ICQ?: same as above.
You saw?: My Dad.
You lost?: My self.

Right This Moment...
Are you going out?: No...i'm answering this stupid crap.
Will it be with your significant other?: Shutup
Or some random person?: I HATE YOU, RANDOM QUESTION ASKER!!!
What are you wearing right now?: Socks, black jeans, yellow shirt, spongebob boxers.
Body part you're touching right now:: I'm touching the keyboard you nimrod.
What are you worried about right now?: My mental health
What book are you reading?: I'm reading your stupid question you asinine fool.
What's on your mousepad?: "Winnebago Spectrum(TM) Library Automation Solutions Winnebago Software Company Library Automation Specialists"
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: I don't want to Newt.
Are you bored?: sadly, no
Are you tired?: yeah a lil
Are you talking to anyone online?: I was talking to Sherilyn but she juss left
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: Nopers.
Are you lonely or content?: Umm...that question doesn't work. I'm Lonely alright....but I'm content with crap too....
Are you listening to music?: I hear the droning of the pc. does that count?

WHAT KIND OF *#&@ing Ending to a survey/quiz thing is that? That's gay. If you didn't notice, I got it off Sarah. Somebody better read this and let me know via Chatterbox that they did So or I will go crazy. Bye now.

I don't think anyone reads this anymore. ppl prolly would if I still used a stupid xanga still. anyways, as you can see, it's quite late. I've been lookin at ppls xangas and feeling crappy. I'm not like emotionally distressed or about to cry or even all that unhappy.....but for someone reason I WANT to cry. it's weird, usually ppl say that when they are all sad-like, but i'm not all that sad. I had an awesome day with Christina today. I'm kinda freakin out cuz I gotta clean out my mom's garage, do all my homework (i can't remember how much I have), and do some more yardwork tomorrow. Just about everything about today was really reall cool, cept a couple things like....I made Christina upset, and later I was all tired which kills off emotion and feeling so I felt bad cuz I juss kinda felt dead and I felt like I was wasting Christina's time...I really hope I don't have much homework tomorrow. I hope I can get good sleep and I don't wake up all tired n crap. Also.....it'd be really really really REALLY cool if I could somehow see Christina for a lil while tomorrow. I love her sooooOooOOooo much. I feel so bad for ppls with love n relationship problems. Cuz.....mine are over. I had issues just like everyone else, but I found the perfect girl for me and everything just fell into place. I wouldn't change anything that's happened. I learn about myself from her, it's weird. I'll save some Christina worshipping for next time.

End...

earlier in the year I said I thought stuff was picking up for me, I thought I was actually gonna start goin to church, i was gonna actually see more of my friends, crap like that....but none of that has really happened. sadly, I don't remember why I felt that way. I also said that I thought me n Christina were gonna get closer. I KNOW that's happened...................but right now, I feel like we're missing something. And I believe that something is time. If we had more time together........I think we would be able to become SoOooOoOOoO much closer. A lot of what makes relationships work (friendship too, not juss bf and gf) is communication, and times and things shared. Lately, we've mostly juss been hangin out at her house when we see eachother. We hardly talk on the phone more than 30 minutes at a time any more, cuza school n homework, cuza her mom a lil bit.....cuza crap I hafta do for my mom......when I still had golf, cuza that too. I usually enjoy times we go places and do things much better than "same old" stuff, which right now is sittin around at her house. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I don't think our relationship is suffering, I don't think we're falling away from eachother, I juss think if we had more time together and more time to communicate.........we could be even closer. hehe, this is sad, I juss saw her a few hours ago and I already miss her like crazy. I love her sooooooo much, none of you punks will ever understand it. Some losers say "get over it, you won't stay together till ya die, you prolly won't even get married"..........but those are the same losers that said "You guys won't be together for more than a month"....which quickly changed to 3 months...then 6 months.....then a year.....You notice how I'm gettin closer and closer to bein right, and those losers are wrong over and over? This gives me even more reason to not care what they say. k, time for me to take a quick lil' shower and go to bed.

And...done...

There aren't enough hours in the day

I feel distant in so many ways

I hate and love things about myself at the same time.

I wish I was me again

Something is missing. Something is wrong. I just don't know what it is.

I need a break from my life, a nice 7 day nap or something.

I feel sooooo unaccomplished, so useless, so corrupt.......too much of the bad stuff not enough of the good stuff. I don't know where I'm headed. I'm confused. I'm upset. I care about people too much. I get hurt too easily. I'm too emotional. I'm seriously convinced that I'm the wrong guy for Christina. I wish I could be someone else than I am right now. I'm not good enough for anything. I want things I can't have (at least not right now). I'm too anxious sometimes, and not enough other times. I pay too much attention, and I don't pay any attention at all. I care too much, but I don't care enough. I try so hard, but it's worthless. I mean so well but I never follow through. I have too much to do, not enough time. I'm horrible. I'm a loser, I'm a dork, I'm weird, I'm NOT funny anymore. I've lost the ME in me. There's a lil bit here and there......but i unno......................I NEED HELP. Like I said before, something's missing. Why do I feel so great at times, but also feel the deepest worthlessness? Why can't I sustain my happiness? If I can't support myself and keep myself happy, how can I ever plan on having a wife n kids? I need to go to Church, i wanna do bible study too, I wanna put more time into my website, I wanna actually do crap for christina's website, I wanna have money to buy crap for myself, for Christina, and for friends. I wanna GO OUT WITH friends and actually have a social life. I wanna play more guitar and get better at it. I want to be a better follower of God. I wanna become a better person. I wanna be better for Christina. I wanna have all this crap but I think none of it's gonna happen. most important stuff there is the church, bible, god stuff, and stuff that has to do with christina.

I wanna have a day without feeling alone and empty.

I NEED HELP. SOMEONE, God, please help me.....I need it. SO bad....I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go, I don't know how I should be, I don't know what's wrong and what's right. I NEED YOU!!!